Rule #11: If you want to be the Ultimate Nerd, you also need to go to the U of W.

So now you have your Darth Vader Hot Air Balloon and think you're the ultimate nerd?

Well, unless you're using that Hot Air Balloon to go to the University of Washington, you are not a true nerd. That's because they are offering "Religion and Conflict in Battlestar Galactica" this term at the school. The perfect class, for the greatest nerds among us.

Other "Comparative History of Ideas" discussion groups including: "Fear and Loathing: Exploring Fear in film and Literature as a Didactic Vehicle", "Queer Performance Poetry", and "Bruce Lee Dedication."

But if you can't make it to the Fall term, you'll have another shot at the Battlestar Galactica in the Spring, but it will compete with "Time, Fantasy & Mythology: Exploring the Many Worlds in J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter." Whatever will you do.

I'm a bit worried now....

Fletcher evidently hasn't shown me the way, or I haven't been paying attention to all his warnings over the year. I feel 61% is respectable, but not nearly enough to truly be comfortable surviving a Zombie Apocalypse.


61%

Wow! Look at how different it is!

As many of you know, I spent a year in Australia while I was still in school. I had a great time, primarily cause they like a lot of similar things as I do, aka sports and beer. While I could tell many a story about beer, I only like to tell them while drinking more beer. So if you'd like to hear those, buy me a beer.

So we'll talk about sports instead. I spent a lot of time choosing my teams while I was there, cause quite frankly, I had no allegiance to any of them. And by "a lot of time" I, of course, mean that I supported the first team in any sport that my newly made friends suggested. So I got quite a few new teams while I was there. I got an English Soccer Team (Go Spurs), I got a favorite Aussie Rules team (Go Bombers), I got a favorite state (Go New South Wales), I got a favorite Cricket club (3 time repeat champions of the World Cup, Australia), I got a favorite cricket player (Go Gilchrist, Man of the Match for the finals of the World Cup), and of course, I got a favorite Rugby League team. Which brings us to our story of the day.

My rugby league team is, was and always will be the Balmain Tigers. But since Rupert Murdock is an evil man, the year that I was there was the final one that they existed. They merged with the Western Suburb Magpies to form the "Wests Tigers." And, for the record, they won the Grand Final in 2005, Go the TIGERS!

But I digress. My Wests Tigers jersey is important to me. It was a gift from my friends as a going away present. They didn't actually sell these jerseys yet, as the new logo was announced only days before I left the country. But they managed to go to the Balmain office and talk someone into selling one to them. So I have one of the first Wests Tigers jerseys in existence. It was worn by one of the players during the press conference to announce the new logo. Pretty cool, huh?

Regardless, because of this, I know this logo pretty darn well. Which is why I was absolutely shocked to see the newest logo of a sports team in Wichita. The Wichita Wild.




Now I'm just shocked about this. And I'm going to write the Wild and ask them where they got this logo from. It shall be interesting to see what they say. Perhaps they have permission to use it. Perhaps they don't even know that the logo they are using is directly copied. I'll let you know when I find out!

Rule #10: If you want to be the Ultimate Nerd, you Need a Darth Vader Hot Air Balloon

Now honestly, I don't think it gets better. I know lots of nerds.. but none of you have anything on this guy.

Yes, my friends, the ultimate nerd transporting device has finally arrived, a Darth Vader Hot Air Balloon. Now I must admit, I like seeing hot air balloons. But if I saw this, flying over the sky, I don't know how I could possibly react other then to shake my head.

I firmly await the Yoda head, Chewbacca Head, or Storm Trooper head, that is sure to follow.

My First "Proper" Royal Flush

Two in Two days.. my first two ever.. the second one was the first "proper" one where I had both hole cards.

Whee.

Rule #9: The one true way to get back your fans? Giant Laser Shooting Robot.

Count me in on the Michael Jackson is Awesome fanclub.

Plans are in the works for a 50 Foot Robot replica of the King of Pop himself. Yes, that's right, a 50 Foot Robot that shoots laser beams out of its eyes.

It would be a promotional statue in full view of "incoming planes into Las Vegas." That means the first thing you saw as you flew into Sin City would be a giant replica Jacko doll. At least most people don't bring kids to Vegas.. I mean imagine the fear they'd have.

Jackson is considering doing a show in Vegas, complete with human cyborgs that are controlled by the audience.

Audience Controlled Cyborgs? 50 Foot Robots? Count me in if it ever happens. I can check out the new Skywalk while I'm there.

Rule #8: The best way to avoid getting caught for Bank Robbery? Rob another bank!

Obviously since this worked once, it would work again and again.

Police in Wellington, New Zealand were baffled that they couldn't find a
bank robber they thought was confined in a small area of downtown Wellington. Turns out he was in the one place that police weren't looking.. another bank.

And of course, while he was there, he figured he might as well rob the place. Witnesses who saw the man described him as "dodgy." Brilliant.

Rule #7: If you're going to be racist, don't post the pictures on the internet.

Students at Tarleton State University are being strongly criticized by the NAACP as well as several other organizations after photos of a party thrown on Martin Luther King Day were posted on the internet site Facebook, and then placed on TSG.

It appears that the party involved several white students dressed in gang attire, Afro whigs, and even one girl dressed as Aunt Jemima.

When asked about the photos the student who posted the pictures, Jeremy Pelz, responded that the party was not supposed to be "racist or discriminating." The party, according to Pelz, was started a few years earlier "because one of best friends is black or African American, whichever you deem politically correct, to be his day not to dishonor him." Word whether his "black friend" attended the party was not available.

The University has launched an investigation into the party.

Rule #6: Whatever you do, Don't have surgery in Romania

Doctors Unions in Romania are in an uproar after one of their own was ordered to pay $200,000 in damages to a patient out of his own pocket. It appears that the doctor, while performing a delicate surgery lost his temper, and well, let's say over-reacted.

It seems like telling my readers not to have surgery in an entire country seems a bit extreme, but I think after reading about this guys penis you'll understand why.

Lesson #5: A Burrito is not a Sandwich

I know it's been a long time, but vacation was wonderful, and now I am re-energized to give strong life lessons to all my faithful readers that are sure to save many hours of confusion and/or harm.

Which, of course, leads us to an inspiring story out of Worcester, MA where Panara Bread Company sued Qdoba Mexican Grill over the definition of a Sandwich.

See, Panara had an exclusivity clause in its contract that it would be the only Sandwich dealer in a particular mall in Worcester. When the mall began talks with Qdoba, Panara's lawyers jumped into action claiming breach of contract because Burritos are Sandwichs as well.

After a long legal battle, and a judge citing such unique sources as a chef, a USDA official, and, of course, the dictionary. Judge Jeffrey Locke ruled what everyone of us already knew, Burritos, indeed, are not Sandwiches.

Lesson #4: Your baby is not a weapon.

When you were a kid, you probably bumped your head a few times. Perhaps even hard. Maybe you have a scar that your parents tell you about how you fell off the high chair and hit the corner of the table or the fireplace. Or perhaps you took a few extra spins on the merry-go-round and fell off.

I certainly had my fair share of them. I took a baseball to the head that knocked me out and left a pretty good shiner. I fell out of the top bunk when I was asleep and hit my head on my dresser loud enough to wake my parents up in the next room. But I certainly never got any of my bumps and bruises the way the baby in our latest news adventure did. Mostly because when I was a 4 week old, my mother didn't use me as a baseball bat when my dad stepped out of line. I'm not sure if it was because my dad never stepped out of line, or if we happened to have baseball bats always laying around the house, but regardless, to the best of my knowledge, it didn't happen.

The baby suffered a fractured skull, some bleeding in the brain and is in serious, but stable condition. The mothers bail has been set at $75,000, which I'm pretty sure is not enough being that the "aggravated" in her aggravated assault case is because she used a baby as a weapon. Her other 4 children were taken out of the home and put in protective custody.

Lesson #3: People who want censorship, should be censored.

Coming in high in the irony department comes this little story from Conroe, Texas.

It seems that a book has created quite the controversy, as the father of one of the children asked to read it didn't agree with its content. The irony department kicks in when you know what the book it.

See, author Ray Bradbury wrote a book in 1953 about McCarthyism, the Nazi Book Burnings, and the suppression of authors in the Soviet Union during the Stalin era, but evidently, the message behind Fahrenheit 451 didn't sink in to one resident of Conroe.

The fact that a book about how censorship is wrong, is trying to be censored, puts this story up for Irony of the Year Award.

Panda Bites Man, Man Bites Panda.

A drunken man jumped into a Beijing Zoo enclosure because of a sudden urge to want to touch the Pandas on display.

The bear, startled by being woken up by the man, responded by biting the man in the leg. The drunken man, mad he was bit, kicked the bear, and the bear bit his other leg. Still determined, the man decided there was only one logical course of action, he bit the bear on the back.

When questioned about his actions, he talked about how he had seen pandas on television and they seemed get on with people. So, logically, nothing would happen. I guess he had been playing too much Tekken and thought you could just hang out with bears.

Maybe I should make my blog a series of "Lessons" to my faithful reading audience, to make sure they don't get in trouble in life. I guess Lesson #1 would be, Don't Stab People. There are so many lessons that could be taken from this article.. Don't get drunk enough to jump into exhibits at the zoo, don't believe everything you see on television, but I think the official lesson learned here is:

Lesson #2: Panda Bears are not your friend.

Who stabs someone in the leg, anyway?

So perhaps you might have heard about the Northern Colorado second string punter, who stabbed the first string punter, so he could play.

Needless to say, this plan didn't work after a liquor store clerk saw him taking off the black tape that covered his license tag and called the cops shortly after the stabbing. The punter has been released on a $40,000 bond, charges pending.

But the story gets ironic during Northern Colorados first game this last Saturday versus Texas State, the first game since there punter incident last week.

The strong Safety, the third string punter, comes in to punt, and gets injured in the game.

The next punter comes in, and he's fantastic.. kicking his first punt a grand total of 7 yards. Honestly, how much could you really expect from the 4th string punter at Northern Colorado.

But alas, the Northern Colorado team, despite the punter difficulties continued to press on, and with only a few second remaining in the first half, Northern Colorado got some more punter magic, they ended up blocking a punt by the other team, and running it back for a touchdown to go up 14-0, which eventually proved to be the game winning score as they held on to win, 14-13.

A drama filled punting week, ends on a good note.. except for the 2nd string punter. I guess the moral of the story is to not stab people. Remember that kids, don't stab people.

Manatees aren't stupid! They're just really lazy....

As many of you know, I have some weird fascination with Manatees. Ultimately, it comes down to the fact that they are cute. They're cute in that get run over by a boat way, but cute all the same.

I have heard many times by all you mean souls out there that Manatees are dumb, because how else could they get run over all the time. Well, it turns out, I was right, and you were wrong. Fat and Lazy? Yes. Cute? Yes. Stupid? Nope!

And now I have science to back me up. Manatees aren't stupid, they're just slow and lazy.

R.I.P. Steve Irwin

Steve Irwin, better known as the Crocodile Hunter, has died.

Not surprisingly, it happened while filming a documentary about animals. Apparently, a sting rays barb punctured his chest.

As ridiculous as he sometimes acted in his "character" as the Croc Hunter, his excitement for wildlife always came through as he did what he could to bring the terrible situation that many endangered species face to our living rooms. Him, and people like him, constantly champion the race to save thousands of species of plants and animals throughout the globe. That is something to be admired.

Steve Irwin, Dead at 44, RIP.

Good on ya, Howard.

A buddy of mine moved out to Colorado a few months back and as it turns out.. has been doing some good.

Let this be a lesson to you.. don't drive through flooded streets, unless Howard is around to save you.

He's being flown out to New York so he can appear on the Today show tomorrow morning, so that's pretty exciting.

I wish they had a picture of him standing on top of the Jeep though. Can I make fun of someone for that sort of thing? I mean, he did need rescued, just because you saved someone before you needed rescued, doesn't mean you didn't need it.

I think I need an officially ruling on that. Regardless... good show, Howard.

Senator puts "Secret Hold" on bill

Oh come on, how can I make something like this up?

As it turns out.. and I'll completely admit to my ignorance on this subject.. Senators can put "Secret Holds" on bills in Congress.

The absolutely best part of the story though, has yet to be revealed.

The bill that was put on Double Secret Probation was of course... a bill that would have opened up more Federal Records.

So brilliantly, a bill that seeks to open certain kinds of federal records, was cancelled by a person that can hide behind some magic shield.

Pure genius.

PS3 Hopes to cure Alzheimer's

The Playstation 3 is set to be released in November (of course, it was set to be released last year, but thats a whole different deal), but they are in the news for a different reason this time.

The PS3 has teamed up with folding@home to attempt to cure diseases such as Alzheimer's, Mad Cow, ALS, Parkinson's and countless others by using a Distributed computing network.

Distrubuted networks were popularized with the SETI@home project that is still running that searches for ET life throughout the universe. The catch with the PS3 is that the "cell" in the PS3 will run the program 10 times faster then an average home computer. Should be interesting to see how the program develops.

An article about it can be found here.

#20? Screw that!

How can we be #20? That's f'ing ridiculous. We should be so much higher!

F YOU POLL! WE DESERVE BETTER.

Man, I am angry.